I sat down beside Izzy on the deck out back,
Izzy: "Why are you sitting?
Daddy: "I'm tired."
Izzy: "No why are you sitting beside me?"
Daddy: "Because I like you, you're kinda cute."
Izzy: "I'm not cute anymore, I'm big now."
Daddy: "If you're not cute anymore, what are you now then?"
Izzy: "My cute is invisible, it's not here."
I am a guy. Apart from the uncomfortable lessons I was given in health classes between grades eight and ten, I have very little knowledge of the workings of the female anatomy. Oh sure I know the bits by sight but too much beyond that I must confess I am at a loss. I have a daughter and on the day she was born, I knew I would change diapers (and I did so, poorly) but I had very little vision of what would happen past that. I knew there would be training of a kind but I don't think I knew what it actually involved.
It was a proud day for everyone and Izzy was rightly chuffed when she used the toilet for the first time and when I offered to take her with me to THE MALL, I didn't give any consideration to the fact that a three year old girl ,who has been swilling apple juice like a drunken stevedore, might actually have to use the facilities. We had wandered around doing our shopping, holding hands and walking the little kid heel walk, for some time before she uttered,
"Daddy, I need to go pee."
"Oh, ahhh....ummm....ok. We'll just go over to the bathrooms." realizing that I had not planned for this eventuality in the slightest.
I don't understand( and said so aloud) why it is that they put the bathrooms smack dab in the middle of the busiest area of the mall. The food court during any meal hour is like a market call on wall street. There are little pockets of screaming and yelling and seemingly things are getting accomplished but on the surface it's loud and scary and nobody is moving. Add to this a little girl with a full bladder and lo and behold, you have a father on the ragged edge. There is a certain advantage however, to be had in this situation. If you know how to use it right.
If you pick up your child in much the same way a politician would use an infant as a human shield (a sort of and out in front of you position) and announce to all, "My little girl has to pee, she has to pee!" People will part like the red sea. The malls are filled primarily with apathetic, angst ridden teens and fellow parents. The teens will be much too forlorn to peel themselves off of the food court seats and so pose little real opposition. The parents will be familiar with your situation and will generally get the hell out of the way.
I actually bumped into and nearly flattened an older lady on my way towards the door way to the restrooms.
"Sorry, " I said "she has to pee."
The old woman smiled and waved me off, I think she sensed the explosion that would have followed had she chosen to admonish me. Under normal circumstances, mall security would have been no doubt, escorting me to my car with a warning about harassing the elderly and admonishing me not to do it again...and it dawned on me, the power of all this. If I could bottle and sell this sort of direct naked power, people would tremble before me captains of industry would shake at the mention of my name, why the crowned heads of Europe would...
"Daddy, I have to go pee."
"Oh, right honey. Sorry."
We got through the rest of the way unabated and found ourselves standing at the entrance to the washrooms. To the right was the ladies and to the right, the men's. I stood silently for a moment looking at the signs. Honestly unsure which one to take her in. Family washrooms are a blessing. Everything is kid sized and nobody gives you much notice while you're in them. The mall did not have a family washroom. I looked at the ladies room sign and said to Izzy,
"I don't care how cute you are, if I take you in there, one of us is getting escorted out by mall security."
Izzy shrugged and crossed her legs.
"I gotta pee."
So off we went to the men's room and quickly into a stall. I found myself a little taken aback and slightly embarrassed when Izzy dropped her pants and hopped up on the seat. I know I am her father and helped bring her into the world etc, etc but after a lifetime of being warned not to be a dirty little boy and not to stare at girls and everything else that was ever drilled into my head by repressive teachers and their ilk, I found myself not certain where I should be looking while all this was going on. I am certain I am not the only father that has experienced this(I know for a fact I am not after a few conversations I have had!) but maybe the only one to give voice to it. I stood facing the door and told Izzy to let me know when she was finished.
I had begun to notice a smell rising in intensity since we had gotten in there and considering our locale, I didn't think anything of it...until I realized it was coming from the vicinity of my progeny. I can only describe it as the smell of evil that does not sleep, the acrid smell of evil that is so bad it would have to be spelled EVILLE.
"Done!" Izzy said
"Now what?" I asked.
She pointed at the toilet paper
We have since been back to that mall and every time we go into the men's room, she refers to the third stall on the right as her stall and woe betide the fool that has gone in there before her...
"Who is in my bathroom?"
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