Worst Fair Ever...Another Big Milestone...

      Izzy made a new friend, an older friend. She is the girl from across the street and she is eight or nine. Mrs. Narrator and I do not know this child.

      Isobel: "Daddy?"
      Daddy: "Yes, Pigeon?"
      Isobel: "Is it OK if Dana comes over and plays in our front yard and our backyard?"
      Daddy: "Sure it is."
      Isobel: (five minutes later) "Daddy, can we have two glasses of water?"
      Daddy: "Each?"
      Isobel: "No, like one for me and one for Dana?"
      Daddy: "Sure you can."
      Isobel: (five minutes later) "Daddy, can me and Dana play in your car?"
      Daddy: "No, not in my car."
      Isobel: (stomping upstairs to ask Mummy)
      Daddy: "...or Mummy's car."
      Isobel: "What if Mummy says yes?"
      Daddy: "She won't."
      Daddy: (five minutes later) "Well, what's the verdict?"
      Isobel: (shows a great big two thumbs down)


      Mrs. Narrator had a match this weekend and The Boy...well, he is still working on becoming one with the computer. I am not talking in spiritual metaphors here, if he could hard wire himself to the computer a'la the Borg, I believe he would do it. So it was Isobel and I-left to our own devices. With nothing to do and a nagging feeling that there was something we should be doing. There was, the last fair of the year. Little did we know that we would find ourselves smack in the middle of  THE WORST FAIR EVER.
      I have been to some past their due date and stinking to high heaven fairs in my time, I have seen sights that would make a more timid man fall asleep in his seat. Fairs where the unusual and ghastly are somewhere else. I remember a side show where the sign advertised a three hundred pound man eating chicken, that turned out to be little more than a fat guy with an eight piece box of the Colonel's finest. Where the mysterious six horned ram of Satan was really a common six horned sheep from Africa. Exotic yes but my ear wax has more of a mystery to it.
     But The Big Butler Fair and The (ghastly) Gilroy Garlic Days (they have an unused kissing booth from what I understand) even the New Hamburg fall fair, which we made it through in under an hour, pales in comparison to THE WORST FAIR EVER. I hesitate to name the town that has seared itself into my child's memory, for fear of it infecting someone else with its underwhelming banality. It could be the town's new calling card; Come and see THE WORST FAIR EVER, walk easily through the unattended entry gates and make your way through the horse shit slalom course just beyond the deflated bouncy castle.
     Next, be sure to visit the petting zoo. Come face to face with amazing creatures like The Donkey and Beef Cattle. But it doesn't stop there folks, no indeed. Just when you thought you had seen it all comes the star of the petting zoo-The Malnourished Plow Horse. Just before you move on, make certain to take a generous helping of our free hand sanitizer.
      From the petting zoo, it's only a short walk to the kids area. Boys and girls will want to spend all day climbing the Hay Bale of Mystery (How did it get so square?) Then it's on to a quick romp in the ball filled Mr. Turtle Pool but kids, no splashing! The adventure doesn't end there, don't forget to have a turn in the BOX OF CORN! You can make corn castles and any other sculpture your heart desires and watch them tumble into a disorganized pile of corn. Don't forget to get your picture taken through the Non-gender specific farm animal caricature holes of fun!
      Don't stop moving, you haven't seen it all yet. There's the exhibits. Make your way to the prize winning dryer lint sculptures and don't forget the blue ribbon pumpkins oh and the collection of sticks is fun for everyone! If your feeling hungry, why not visit our french fry stand. Hear your stomach rumble as you admit defeat and walk away from the darkened booth.
      If Dad is into classic cars, he will thrill to see the classic 1977 Chevette. They don't make 'em like that anymore. Check out the latest in post war farm equipment. Nothing but the best for your fields. But wait, that's still not the end...no, wait, that's it. So it's one more trip to see the petting zoo and one more blast of the free hand sanitizer and we'll see you all next year at; THE WORST FAIR EVER!

         I'd like to say that it wasn't as bad as all that but it was. I mean it was nice to see Izzy interact with some livestock which is the bit she really likes about the fairs any way but even she was saying it would have been more fun to stay home and have a bath.




      This weekend has seen another milestone fall and a big one at that. Isobel has learned to ride a two wheeler. I started thinking about just how big of a deal this is to a kid. It is a transition between 'little kid' and 'kid'. No more training wheels, no more relying on something else to keep you upright. No sir it's your wits and you legs (and a generous dollop of balance) the get you going and keep you moving.
      She was over the moon when I suggested she learn two wheeling but when the reality dawned of how daunting a task it can be, she got frustrated and wanted to quit.
     "I fell off my bike," she told her Mother. "I'll never be able to ride a bike."
      For the record, she did not fall off the bike. (no, really she didn't) She was very flustered by the whole process of learning but she refused to quit. Stubbornness runs rampant on both sides of the family. That was Saturday night, by Sunday afternoon, she was getting further and further on her own and I just had to run along beside her and straighten her out now and again. By Monday after school she was flying solo up and down the drive way...mostly down.
     I thought about this a lot between yesterday and tonight when I sat down to write this. She's moving now, biking up and down the driveway all on her own. Soon it'll be up the street and to school and friends houses. Before I know it she'll be borrowing the car and then off to school and moving out.
      I wrote a song a while ago that has a line that goes 'My hands are strong, I know. Are they strong enough to let you go?'

    They really do grow up too god-damned fast...